dinsdag 24 november 2015

Treasure haul and life update

Life has hit once again. In a beautiful way, and a god damn hard way.
It's cold outside. Inside the fireplace is working it's best while the only sound we often hear is the talking of brother rain, telling calming stories with his little individual touches on our window.
Mother sun is also here. It's like they are fighting. Being confused. As if all the seasons suddenly met above our little house.

There's a sadness in the little house. Due to things that are out of my control I need to find another job which means I have to leave the children. And as if that is not enough, our darling cat has been hit by a car on thursday. He is in bad shape and still with the vet. He won't eat and lost his eye. The trauma must be immense and we live in a little fear. Even though he couldn't be in better hands than those of the vets. It makes my heart warm when I see them so lovingly towards him.
Also, a little giant thank you to our far neighbors who found him and took care of him. You got a place in my heart.

So yes, sad and cold in many ways. And trough all the emotion T. and I wanted to leave. Most of all me, I think. So he took me to Bruges. The city of dreamy little shops.
Afterwards he took me to dinner and the movies. Yes, he's a romantic alright. I couldn't be more thankful.

And in between jumping in rain puddles, drinking hot chocolate and cuddling, I found some little treasures to make my dark days colorful.

If you are sad there is nothing better than surrounding yourself with beautiful things and people. Do it, it will make you happy. And if for some reason you are not able to, send me a message and I will hug you (virtually if I have to) and write the most comforting words to you until you feel better. No one should ever be alone.

Treasure haul

When I wander the streets of Bruges I normally don't buy much, if anything. This time seemed a little different. These little things made me smile. And I needed them. Yes, the little fruit snacks too. 

I've been searching for (fireflies?) perfume oils for a while now. I want to start making scented candles and then I finally found these. Couldn't be more exited.
Pine Wood: Smells like forest. Definitely an autumn smell.
Cranberry: A very sweet smell. Almost candy like. Mmm
Christmas Berry: I couldn't wait to smell this one. It's very cinnamony, warm and cosy. As if you are finding yourself in the most wintery cosy house where cookies are being baked.
Wild Flowers: Summer smell. It actually smells like wild flowers in nature. 
Cinnamon: Very much explains itself.  

Ah, 365 photo project cookies. I couldn't help but take these home and photograph away. It was a little meant to be and T.  loves them. 

I needed one, and found this. I loved it the moment I saw it.

Me and my diaries. I have so many, but this one is a little different (yes, I say that every time). It is one where you only write one sentence each day for five years. And after those years you can actually see how you've grown and what life has given you. 

Fruitsnacks and perfume oils: Essenza
Heart cookies and phone case: Flying Tiger
Fairy lights: Action
Diary: Fnac

I hope you have a wonderful day.

zaterdag 14 november 2015

firefly fairy children

It is cold, dark and rainy outside when T and I leave our house.
I'm done working for the day and after being home for an hour, I take T back to work. To the children. I look forward to it. When we arrive, only one baby is still there. They are closing and mama is coming to get her in five minutes. Until then I can't resist and I take her in my arms.
This little one is only 4 months old. She is the youngest of the bunch and melts hearts with her twinkling eyes. I touch her unbelievably long black hair and tell her silently that I love her.
The clock hits six when mama finally picks up her child and we prepare to go to the garden of the day care centre. I already see little lights in the trees and hear children laughing and playing. The atmosphere is different then when I left after work. I like it. It has a gentle cosiness to it. Colleagues become close and parents become friends.

Today is the lantern fest. A little festival the school organizes for the little ones and their parents.
At work I helped the children make their own lantern so I knew how proud they would be if they could walk with it in their little hands.

When we went to the garden the teachers were already playing a part. Children were listening and laughing. I saw fairies everywhere and it made me smile so much.

"Sweetheart, can our kids go to this school?". He asked it with a catching happiness in his voice.
This is the Freinet school. A school where children are welcome in their own way. They learn about nature, life and art.
"I'm glad you're asking". I answer with a smile and I kiss T.
We talked about it while we walked from light to light, play to play, tree to tree. And it felt good. I love dreaming. Looking at the future. It makes me feel safe, most of the time.

We laughed and hugged. We listened to stories and found warmth by the bonfire. It was magical.

Oh, I can't wait to make magic with my own little family...


woensdag 4 november 2015

If only we would still be with each other

I come home from work and run to my mother. When only two words flood out of my mouth the first warmth of tears begin to gather beneath my tired eyes. It won't take long for them to find an escape.

My energy has been low these last few weeks. They seem to be phases, sneaking up on me once in a while. Things have been happening all at once, as things seem to do often in our lives, and the happening of today was the final drop that lead to a tsunami in my head.
I work partly in a kitchen in a children daycare centre and was promised to become the care taker of the babies as a replacer. Today the moment was there but the promise disappeared.
A bomb of insecurity hit me and I wondered and wondered why.

I wish I could document life for a job. I wish I could write for a job, dream, tell stories. I wish I could love for a job. For now, my photographs and writings are my biggest escape from everything. It seems to be a world where there is no judgement, no hurt.
It has been hard to find a job that I love. And by that I mean working with children. That besides art.
I've been searching, like every one has to do, but can't find anything. I'm starting to become unsure. How will we manage, if T and I want to start our own life together?

The little match is catching fire as I slide it down the matchbox. After I lit the candles I let it burn. I look at it as it finds its way to the end of the stick. I feel its warmth just a little on my face, but It feels like magic. The sudden warmth lets me forget life for a moment. It catches me in the journey of her flames. The twinkles in my eyes die when the fire does too. I look at T. He's sitting on my bed, doing work. I leave the magic of my fire and snuggle up to him. I lay my head on his leg and feel his subtle fingers on my head. I love it when he does that and it makes me calm. In this moment I don't want to be a part of society. I just want to love, be loved and live the life that I get only once. The life that I want. In these moments I miss you the hardest.

Dear you,

You, as no other, know how negativity can strangle up my veins like black, unbreakable but poinsonous roots. And you, as no other, know how to turn them into velvet flowers. 

The tree, my mother tree, the one you lie under has those velvet flowers and each morning when I pass your grave I touch them. I say hi to them and to you. 
I used to fall back on you when I was sad. When I was hurt or insecure. 
You would run in circles around me, over and over, and only that. Because you would know when I acted different. And I would read you in the same way. 
The escape that I once had with you is gone. Only photos, memories and some hair in my medallion is what I have left of that connection. Of you. 
I often look at the stars. At the big "w". It probably has a name. For me it does. They give me peace and let me talk to the universe. In thoughts or in words, in feelings or gestures. They let me talk to you, your soul, somewhere out there. Would it? Are you still your soul? 

I love you

I snuggle up next to T and kiss my medallion. It has become a most needed ritual. It makes me feel safe. Little things make me feel safe.

I know I can handle the big world, but for now I'll let the little girl in my soul out. I'm letting her cry and be scared. I'm gonna hug her by writing to her and to the world. And I know she will feel safe again.