zaterdag 13 februari 2016

Cocooning night

I drop off Tybo at the cinema where he meets his friends.
When I turn on the highway again I notice that now I don't want to be alone after all. Although I know it is really important to set things straight for myself I already miss him.
But I don't want to be surrounded by people tonight, so I go home.

The familiar sound of raindrops accompany the thousands of thoughts seeping through Loreena Mckenneths love songs but tonight they don't give me peace. It's like I can't pause my thoughts and I can't keep up with them so I know the first thing I need to do when I get home is write.

I finally found a permanent job and although I'm happy with that, it's very heavy. I work at the children day care centre where I worked earlier this year. But there are too few staff members for many children and because of a new boss much has to be changed. I can put my head just about around it but I feel that every thing that overcomes me besides work is much to handle.
My photography and my blog have to step aside because of the long days at work and it makes me feel mainstream. Like I am one of the millions of peaces of society like the big guys have created it. I absolutely hate it. I want to love, see, feel and tell! I want to discover and write it all down. I want to catch moments and feel light as the fairy I can be within myself.

The words I had with my love this morning were also much. I know we work it out every time and I know the make up hugs are the best right then and there, but the chaos isn't leaving my mind. He knows that and I am happy he does.

I close the front door and follow the words flying around my head into the living room.
"Time for a little cocooning, dear?" Says my mother. She always knows when I'm not at peace and it's so comforting. I am not alone.
"Yes, lots of it." I answer her with a light smile.
I go upstairs and catch the words "how the hell can I handle this all?" and build on them.
Most of the time I handle things on my own, but other times I drown in chaos and I get stuck. Today is such a day.

I put on my fox pajamas that my mother made for me and crawl into bed. Scaring away the words in my head doesn't help, so I keep hem in, trying to silence them instead. Hoping I fall asleep soon so tomorrow can welcome me with open arms, telling me it will be all just fine, that he is new, as will the next day, and the day after be. I hug my pillow and close my eyes.