zaterdag 12 november 2016

My anxiety

Although my words have been quiet these past few months, my head and soul were, and are everything but.
Never ever in my life have I fought so greatly as I have done now. I am ridiculously proud of myself and the energy I get from it feels like the euphoria of a reached goal.

A lot has happened. And even though I don't want to go too personal, to protect people that are involved, this is my little place on the internet where I gush out feelings. When and whenever I want to.
Me and my wolf fought for Tybo. And I, or we, got him back.
The wolf is a part of me now. This spirit I created in my head has changed the way I see things. It changed how I feel and even how I dress. It's there with me, all the time, for the rest of my life. And I am in peace with it. Most of the time it stands by me. Protects me. It bites to people who mean harm to me in any way. When people touch me or say things to me that harm my being and I don't want them to, the wolf is the one giving me the power to stand up for myself. I am learning, but I'm getting there. There are only a few times where the wolf becomes as dark and frightening as it can get. But those times get less and less frequent.

So, as I said, crazy things happened the past few months. Things that I can't change and that are out of my control. Things I need to let go of.
There were also things that happened to me personally that had a much bigger impact on me than I anticipated. Once again, I'm staying vague on purpose for self protection and that of others.
I fought and I am still fighting like a true warrior. I now say what I think (most of the time, because god damn it, a lot of courage is needed!), I dress more how I want (sometimes), I stand up for myself when people are rude, I go out (I am a little house bunny, my cocoon is my temple) and I fight my shyness.
I discover my boundary's and that of others. Sometimes with a price. But that is now my mission. My quest is to experiment on every level, and not to be afraid to be left behind alone.

I reached a lot of milestones for myself. A crazy lot. I am happy and the relationship that Tybo and I have is good now. We work hard and we love our love. We work for our love. I enjoy every second of it. Every inch of him, his soul. I am so happy with this boy in my life.
But the dark period that I went trough has left marks. I developed an anxiety. My self esteem has had some pretty hard beat ups because of different things that happened. To others, but also to me. I now feel the incredible urge to be perfect. I constantly need to prove myself and I feel smaller than everyone else around me. It feels like I need to get validated by Tybo all the time. It even goes so far that when a girl looks at Tybo, or the other way around, I go in extreme defense mode. I trust nobody. I get scared to be hurt like I hurt before. Me, who leaves everyone to be themselves in the spirit that they are, that applauds freedom and trust in every way possible (that seems so long ago now). This is completely new to me. It frightens the heck out of me. It's inside of my head all the time. Every day. The evenings are, surprise surprise, the hardest. Even when I feel safe and cosy that very moment, it can take up to a few hours before sleep finally finds me. And the moment my eyes open to see a new day, it hits me in the face.
 I am getting help from someone who is like a mama bird to me, in a way. And when we did some exercises I realized that the one and only person that is right there with me, is my little brother. Me and him, fighting our asses off and learning the heck out of this harsh world, hand in hand without realizing it. Once again I realize what that boy means to me and how much I love him.
I would die if anything would happen to him.

With the right amount of support from the right people I believe I will figure this out. I strongly believe I will find my balance back.
Up until now, it has quite been the trip for me. And there's quite the trip ahead of me. But I'm ready.
And I'm taking my words, my camera, and my wolf with me.

woensdag 24 augustus 2016

The wolf

It's a big shadow, black as the darkest ink. Empty, hollow. Not male, not female. A big wolf, motherly embracing me, but as false as a snake.
I've always felt a mysterious attraction towards wolves, but this one is different.
It's the only thing I have left since it replaced the little demons.
Since I got fired from my job with the children only two weeks after I lost Tybo, the wolf didn't leave me. Not a second.
The little demons got scared away when they told me "it's not because I'm not good with the children, in fact, they seem to melt when they see my love for them, but because of "company" reasons".
They got scared away by the wolf who took their place.
It lies with me in my bed, feeding off of my sorrow while it puts it's arm around me. Comforting, but cold as ice.
I feel its hand like paw stroking my hair, slowly, careful, but in power.
I did not see this coming. My high need of giving love was fulfilled by him and the children. And for now those children were my rescue. Now that I have nothing to hold on to, I fall into the wolfs darkness.
It accompanies me on my countless lonely walks and is constantly tempting me to lose myself in social media. It takes my hand, keeps telling me its oke, and stabs me in my back, in the same wound, each and every time.
It keeps me awake at night, forcing dark thoughts in my heavy head.
It keeps me from enjoying food, photographing and even dreaming at night. I stop fighting and I drown. I try to cry but the tears are dried up.
I have none left. After days, the hand of the wolf like creature touches my face and my soul gets flooded with emotions. I break down and I shout.
I am not prepared for the sorrow that is yet to come. I feel weak and vulnerable. I am naked to the soul, and I let it be.  I don't have the courage to fight and instead I hug the wolf as tight as I can.
I want to feel safe again, loved.
I am desperate for touch and love and the wolf knows it, uses it.
I don't want to see people, and when I have to, I beg them for hugs in my mind.
It is now a few days later and I realize that for the first time in my life when I did not know a way out, my wild and free imagination raised from her sleep again, very slowly and carefully, after a way to long and helpless time. I managed to turn the pain into a spirit. A wolf. An evil but protecting wolf.
I am now a child, sheltered by the darkest darkness.
I say nothing and I let it all come to me. And when I say something, it is the wolf speaking. It's self protecting, defensive, angry, hurt, sad.
I am angry at myself for not taking proper care of my body and soul.
I am sad because right now I don't want to see the beauty of the world. Even when I know it's there.
The gratitude for all what I have is still great, but it became black by the wolfs touch.
It's poisoning me and now that I looked into its eyes I have to find a way to fight it.

donderdag 18 augustus 2016

When the sun became the moon

My heart got broken more on top of what was already shattered. I drowned.
No written tale can tell how I feel.
For now I am disappearing and I don't have the courage yet to write to you why.
For the first time in my life I don't know a way out.

donderdag 11 augustus 2016

The Dranouter festival

My days have become nights and my nights are now my days. I've become a true night owl.
It's three a.m. when I fall asleep and seven when I wake up. My body wants to stay in bed but after a while I force myself to get up. I feel that my body is starting to follow my heartache. I tell myself once again that I'll be fine, that my brother is going to be there too and that we will have each other. I take my pillow and put a Harry Potter pillowcase over it. Harry Potter makes everything better. I put it with the rest of my stuff and I go downstairs. 
Mom and dad are packing and carrying everything to the car. There's a relaxed atmosphere in the house and I try to leave my tears in the bed and jump on the "nice atmosphere train". I have my breakfast, put on clothes that make me feel beautiful and help them pack. Tybo keeps dancing in my head, blocking all other thoughts and I try to push him away for once. I focus on this moment and keep telling myself that it will be oke. That even though I will be alone, I will be with friends of my parents, and that I'll be accepted by them as one of them. That I'll have my journal and especially my camera. I will get lost in my camera. Yes, lets just do this. 
We arrive at our destination. It's a field that is owned by a farmer. I put up my tent and we join the others. In the evening we decide to go to the festival and the first thing I take is my camera. When we get to the entrance we get split up. Males at one side, females at the other. Our bags get checked and we get checked up like criminals who leave prison. It feels like our freedom is getting slimmer for the illusion of safety. I'm scared that they will take my camera but they let me pass. I smile friendly to the person who is checking me and I enter a ginormous field with stages, food stands, animators, shops, flags, music and a heck load of people. After we found our place my mom takes me to the little shops. Time to get lost. 
It was a little fight, but I got trough the first evening and night. Wannes, my brother, isn't here yet and I worry that he won't come. Loneliness is killing me and the demonic thoughts are taking over my day. I'm getting angry at them, I start to believe them and I lose the courage to fight them. I think of Castlefest, what is happening there, I imagine what Tybo is doing, saying. I'm imagining the fun that they have all together. Tears creep up like annoying little trolls and I get frustrated. My head is full and heavy. I wish Wannes was here with me. 
Everybody at the campsite is getting ready to go to the festival again and the atmosphere is good. I enjoy the jokes and love to watch the children play. My dad is playing the ukelele and I managed to enjoy the moment. We pack our stuff (and I my camera, of course) and we head off to the field. We get checked again and when I walk trough the gate a big, forcing hand is pushing me back. 
"No camera."
My heart drops.
"What? Why?"
"You have to pay, then you get a license, and then your camera is allowed." 
I call for my mom who returns with an asking face. 
"Yesterday I got in..." I try.
"Yes, but we got complaints from the press. You have to pay, then you work for Dranouter and give your photographs to us."
"I'm not leaving my camera here."
"There are lockers."
"I don't trust them." 
For the first time in my life, I go into discussion with someone that is authorized.  
After a lot of words I get in with my camera, but I have to put it away and tomorrow I have to leave it in my tent. I smile friendly again, thanking them for their time and I go to the others. I tell them and I turn around to put my camera away. I don't stop the tears. I'm done. I hide my face and for as far as I know, only mom and dad see it. I am so angry.
The one and only thing I can get lost in gets taken away from me. The most important tool to capture the beauty of everything has to be locked away. It feels like I get pushed into reality once more.
"You're hurt, and you're gonna feel it to the god damn fullest." I let the demon thought be. He won for now. 
After letting myself be depressed for a while (it can be quite comforting at times) I choose to enjoy the rest of the day. I see beautiful people and as I am not allowed to photograph, I watch them intensely, taking a photograph in my mind, remembering what it is that makes them so beautiful. 
I light up when mom tells me that Wannes arrived. We have fun the rest of the day and when he sees that I have a sad face he puts his hands on my mouth and turns it into a smile. I laugh sincerely. 
I feel better. 
I am not tired when the night falls. I have deep and funny conversations with the friends of my parents and I eat yummy vegan food. Wannes makes jokes and cheers me up. It gets a little easier to put the demons in a box with a big lock on it. 
Around midnight my heart gets torn again. I get his message and see the word "bunny". 
I answer and I answer again the day after, but get nothing back. The demons broke the lock and are flying around me again like little bullies. Anger replaces joy again. I go from ups to downs to ups and down again. Right at that moment I decide I want to get drunk. I don't drink alcohol and I hate the taste. But when I find something that I like, I'll take my chances. 
My mouth being bigger than my heart, I don't get drunk. The only thing they have is beer and if I would take those chances, I at least want to enjoy the good taste. I put the idea in the back of my head and store it for later. Now is the time to experience new things, good and bad, it's time to learn and grow. 
It's sunday. The last day of the festival. Today is a good day. I laugh and have fun with my little brother. We sing along to Yevgueni (I'm not even going to get into the memories that are linked to that man) and I drag Wannes to some pretty good folk bands. I'm so happy when he tells me how good he thinks they are. I almost cry of joy when I hear Estbel and Naragonia and I discover Le vent du nord and Imar. When the last night falls we go to the beer tent and we go crazy with the dancing and yelling. Wannes hugs me tight every now and then and once again I am so grateful for him. He takes care of me in Wannes-style. 
My muscles hurt due to a long term health problem but I couldn't care less. I see boys watching me and I couldn't care either. I tell myself that I'm worth more than what he left me for (and I sincerely want to thank Sas to give me that perspective) and it helps for tonight. I know I'll be reading heartbreaking (to me) statusses on facebook when I get home but I prepare myself. I find myself at the "drown or grow point" and I'll choose to grow. I've done it before and I can do it again.