zaterdag 12 november 2016

My anxiety

Although my words have been quiet these past few months, my head and soul were, and are everything but.
Never ever in my life have I fought so greatly as I have done now. I am ridiculously proud of myself and the energy I get from it feels like the euphoria of a reached goal.

A lot has happened. And even though I don't want to go too personal, to protect people that are involved, this is my little place on the internet where I gush out feelings. When and whenever I want to.
Me and my wolf fought for Tybo. And I, or we, got him back.
The wolf is a part of me now. This spirit I created in my head has changed the way I see things. It changed how I feel and even how I dress. It's there with me, all the time, for the rest of my life. And I am in peace with it. Most of the time it stands by me. Protects me. It bites to people who mean harm to me in any way. When people touch me or say things to me that harm my being and I don't want them to, the wolf is the one giving me the power to stand up for myself. I am learning, but I'm getting there. There are only a few times where the wolf becomes as dark and frightening as it can get. But those times get less and less frequent.

So, as I said, crazy things happened the past few months. Things that I can't change and that are out of my control. Things I need to let go of.
There were also things that happened to me personally that had a much bigger impact on me than I anticipated. Once again, I'm staying vague on purpose for self protection and that of others.
I fought and I am still fighting like a true warrior. I now say what I think (most of the time, because god damn it, a lot of courage is needed!), I dress more how I want (sometimes), I stand up for myself when people are rude, I go out (I am a little house bunny, my cocoon is my temple) and I fight my shyness.
I discover my boundary's and that of others. Sometimes with a price. But that is now my mission. My quest is to experiment on every level, and not to be afraid to be left behind alone.

I reached a lot of milestones for myself. A crazy lot. I am happy and the relationship that Tybo and I have is good now. We work hard and we love our love. We work for our love. I enjoy every second of it. Every inch of him, his soul. I am so happy with this boy in my life.
But the dark period that I went trough has left marks. I developed an anxiety. My self esteem has had some pretty hard beat ups because of different things that happened. To others, but also to me. I now feel the incredible urge to be perfect. I constantly need to prove myself and I feel smaller than everyone else around me. It feels like I need to get validated by Tybo all the time. It even goes so far that when a girl looks at Tybo, or the other way around, I go in extreme defense mode. I trust nobody. I get scared to be hurt like I hurt before. Me, who leaves everyone to be themselves in the spirit that they are, that applauds freedom and trust in every way possible (that seems so long ago now). This is completely new to me. It frightens the heck out of me. It's inside of my head all the time. Every day. The evenings are, surprise surprise, the hardest. Even when I feel safe and cosy that very moment, it can take up to a few hours before sleep finally finds me. And the moment my eyes open to see a new day, it hits me in the face.
 I am getting help from someone who is like a mama bird to me, in a way. And when we did some exercises I realized that the one and only person that is right there with me, is my little brother. Me and him, fighting our asses off and learning the heck out of this harsh world, hand in hand without realizing it. Once again I realize what that boy means to me and how much I love him.
I would die if anything would happen to him.

With the right amount of support from the right people I believe I will figure this out. I strongly believe I will find my balance back.
Up until now, it has quite been the trip for me. And there's quite the trip ahead of me. But I'm ready.
And I'm taking my words, my camera, and my wolf with me.