woensdag 24 augustus 2016

The wolf

It's a big shadow, black as the darkest ink. Empty, hollow. Not male, not female. A big wolf, motherly embracing me, but as false as a snake.
I've always felt a mysterious attraction towards wolves, but this one is different.
It's the only thing I have left since it replaced the little demons.
Since I got fired from my job with the children only two weeks after I lost Tybo, the wolf didn't leave me. Not a second.
The little demons got scared away when they told me "it's not because I'm not good with the children, in fact, they seem to melt when they see my love for them, but because of "company" reasons".
They got scared away by the wolf who took their place.
It lies with me in my bed, feeding off of my sorrow while it puts it's arm around me. Comforting, but cold as ice.
I feel its hand like paw stroking my hair, slowly, careful, but in power.
I did not see this coming. My high need of giving love was fulfilled by him and the children. And for now those children were my rescue. Now that I have nothing to hold on to, I fall into the wolfs darkness.
It accompanies me on my countless lonely walks and is constantly tempting me to lose myself in social media. It takes my hand, keeps telling me its oke, and stabs me in my back, in the same wound, each and every time.
It keeps me awake at night, forcing dark thoughts in my heavy head.
It keeps me from enjoying food, photographing and even dreaming at night. I stop fighting and I drown. I try to cry but the tears are dried up.
I have none left. After days, the hand of the wolf like creature touches my face and my soul gets flooded with emotions. I break down and I shout.
I am not prepared for the sorrow that is yet to come. I feel weak and vulnerable. I am naked to the soul, and I let it be.  I don't have the courage to fight and instead I hug the wolf as tight as I can.
I want to feel safe again, loved.
I am desperate for touch and love and the wolf knows it, uses it.
I don't want to see people, and when I have to, I beg them for hugs in my mind.
It is now a few days later and I realize that for the first time in my life when I did not know a way out, my wild and free imagination raised from her sleep again, very slowly and carefully, after a way to long and helpless time. I managed to turn the pain into a spirit. A wolf. An evil but protecting wolf.
I am now a child, sheltered by the darkest darkness.
I say nothing and I let it all come to me. And when I say something, it is the wolf speaking. It's self protecting, defensive, angry, hurt, sad.
I am angry at myself for not taking proper care of my body and soul.
I am sad because right now I don't want to see the beauty of the world. Even when I know it's there.
The gratitude for all what I have is still great, but it became black by the wolfs touch.
It's poisoning me and now that I looked into its eyes I have to find a way to fight it.

donderdag 18 augustus 2016

When the sun became the moon

My heart got broken more on top of what was already shattered. I drowned.
No written tale can tell how I feel.
For now I am disappearing and I don't have the courage yet to write to you why.
For the first time in my life I don't know a way out.

donderdag 11 augustus 2016

The Dranouter festival

My days have become nights and my nights are now my days. I've become a true night owl.
It's three a.m. when I fall asleep and seven when I wake up. My body wants to stay in bed but after a while I force myself to get up. I feel that my body is starting to follow my heartache. I tell myself once again that I'll be fine, that my brother is going to be there too and that we will have each other. I take my pillow and put a Harry Potter pillowcase over it. Harry Potter makes everything better. I put it with the rest of my stuff and I go downstairs. 
Mom and dad are packing and carrying everything to the car. There's a relaxed atmosphere in the house and I try to leave my tears in the bed and jump on the "nice atmosphere train". I have my breakfast, put on clothes that make me feel beautiful and help them pack. Tybo keeps dancing in my head, blocking all other thoughts and I try to push him away for once. I focus on this moment and keep telling myself that it will be oke. That even though I will be alone, I will be with friends of my parents, and that I'll be accepted by them as one of them. That I'll have my journal and especially my camera. I will get lost in my camera. Yes, lets just do this. 
We arrive at our destination. It's a field that is owned by a farmer. I put up my tent and we join the others. In the evening we decide to go to the festival and the first thing I take is my camera. When we get to the entrance we get split up. Males at one side, females at the other. Our bags get checked and we get checked up like criminals who leave prison. It feels like our freedom is getting slimmer for the illusion of safety. I'm scared that they will take my camera but they let me pass. I smile friendly to the person who is checking me and I enter a ginormous field with stages, food stands, animators, shops, flags, music and a heck load of people. After we found our place my mom takes me to the little shops. Time to get lost. 
It was a little fight, but I got trough the first evening and night. Wannes, my brother, isn't here yet and I worry that he won't come. Loneliness is killing me and the demonic thoughts are taking over my day. I'm getting angry at them, I start to believe them and I lose the courage to fight them. I think of Castlefest, what is happening there, I imagine what Tybo is doing, saying. I'm imagining the fun that they have all together. Tears creep up like annoying little trolls and I get frustrated. My head is full and heavy. I wish Wannes was here with me. 
Everybody at the campsite is getting ready to go to the festival again and the atmosphere is good. I enjoy the jokes and love to watch the children play. My dad is playing the ukelele and I managed to enjoy the moment. We pack our stuff (and I my camera, of course) and we head off to the field. We get checked again and when I walk trough the gate a big, forcing hand is pushing me back. 
"No camera."
My heart drops.
"What? Why?"
"You have to pay, then you get a license, and then your camera is allowed." 
I call for my mom who returns with an asking face. 
"Yesterday I got in..." I try.
"Yes, but we got complaints from the press. You have to pay, then you work for Dranouter and give your photographs to us."
"I'm not leaving my camera here."
"There are lockers."
"I don't trust them." 
For the first time in my life, I go into discussion with someone that is authorized.  
After a lot of words I get in with my camera, but I have to put it away and tomorrow I have to leave it in my tent. I smile friendly again, thanking them for their time and I go to the others. I tell them and I turn around to put my camera away. I don't stop the tears. I'm done. I hide my face and for as far as I know, only mom and dad see it. I am so angry.
The one and only thing I can get lost in gets taken away from me. The most important tool to capture the beauty of everything has to be locked away. It feels like I get pushed into reality once more.
"You're hurt, and you're gonna feel it to the god damn fullest." I let the demon thought be. He won for now. 
After letting myself be depressed for a while (it can be quite comforting at times) I choose to enjoy the rest of the day. I see beautiful people and as I am not allowed to photograph, I watch them intensely, taking a photograph in my mind, remembering what it is that makes them so beautiful. 
I light up when mom tells me that Wannes arrived. We have fun the rest of the day and when he sees that I have a sad face he puts his hands on my mouth and turns it into a smile. I laugh sincerely. 
I feel better. 
I am not tired when the night falls. I have deep and funny conversations with the friends of my parents and I eat yummy vegan food. Wannes makes jokes and cheers me up. It gets a little easier to put the demons in a box with a big lock on it. 
Around midnight my heart gets torn again. I get his message and see the word "bunny". 
I answer and I answer again the day after, but get nothing back. The demons broke the lock and are flying around me again like little bullies. Anger replaces joy again. I go from ups to downs to ups and down again. Right at that moment I decide I want to get drunk. I don't drink alcohol and I hate the taste. But when I find something that I like, I'll take my chances. 
My mouth being bigger than my heart, I don't get drunk. The only thing they have is beer and if I would take those chances, I at least want to enjoy the good taste. I put the idea in the back of my head and store it for later. Now is the time to experience new things, good and bad, it's time to learn and grow. 
It's sunday. The last day of the festival. Today is a good day. I laugh and have fun with my little brother. We sing along to Yevgueni (I'm not even going to get into the memories that are linked to that man) and I drag Wannes to some pretty good folk bands. I'm so happy when he tells me how good he thinks they are. I almost cry of joy when I hear Estbel and Naragonia and I discover Le vent du nord and Imar. When the last night falls we go to the beer tent and we go crazy with the dancing and yelling. Wannes hugs me tight every now and then and once again I am so grateful for him. He takes care of me in Wannes-style. 
My muscles hurt due to a long term health problem but I couldn't care less. I see boys watching me and I couldn't care either. I tell myself that I'm worth more than what he left me for (and I sincerely want to thank Sas to give me that perspective) and it helps for tonight. I know I'll be reading heartbreaking (to me) statusses on facebook when I get home but I prepare myself. I find myself at the "drown or grow point" and I'll choose to grow. I've done it before and I can do it again. 

maandag 8 augustus 2016

The rollercoaster

I silently eat my cereal and look outside. I'm not hungry. I haven't been hungry anymore since that last kiss. I don't want to go today. I don't want to leave the house, or even my bed. The ticket was already bought and Adriaan sent me a message asking if I would come.
The spoon gets heavier with each bite and I decide to stop. Oke, I'll go to the zilleghem folkfestival, but only because I don't want to waste the money and I don't want to disappoint people anymore.

 It's cloudy but it's not raining. I follow my mother everywhere like a baby duck and when she talks to people I try to join. But I'm just not energized enough. I feel like little Tineke, shy when strangers approach me and always wanting to hold mama's hand.
People are joyfully dancing to the music and when Adriaan reaches out his hand, asking me to dance I look at him with guilt. The dance is called the mazurka and it is a dance I and Tybo always shared. I feel mama's fingers dancing on my back and I turn around. I turn my face away because tears come out of nowhere. I can't stop and I only hear "it's oke."
I fight it all and when I feel it's safe again to turn around, Adriaan is dancing with someone else. I know he doesn't mind, but I feel incredibly lost and guilty. I drown myself in the apple juice I just ordered and drink it all. Goodness, I would have been drunk as hell if that would have been alcohol.
I fill the day with little Baldr and his beautiful mother Delphine, a good friend. I am amazed at how a child can bring such peace. I let myself get sucked up in his cuteness and I'm not letting him go for the rest of the day.
Words get poured in my book like never before. It's day two of the festival and my parents have to perform with their band. Adriaan and my good friend Emma aren't here yet so I disappear in my book. I started to write in it when Tybo left and since then haven't found the stop button. My nights are filled with vivid dreams and writing in between them. 
I finish the page and when I look up I see Tom, a good friend of my parents, talking to my mother. He looks at me and I know she is telling him why I'm so quiet. He comes to me and takes my arm.
"Come on lady, you're sitting with us, you don't have to sit here all alone." 
I smile gratefully. Happy that people tolerate my introvert side. 
The day is oke and I even have a little fun with Emma, who I haven't seen in such a long time. 
I enjoy the music and try to push away the "he would love this band so much" thought. 
When we go home I feel Martina's (Adriaans mother) hand on my arm.
She gives me a home made serum that smells like flowers. It's bright yellow and it's a tiny bottle. 
"What is it?" I ask.
"Its for your heart. Rub it on your heart and it will help you with your sadness."
I smile and hug her tight. I can't believe how good people are to me. 
I sigh and turn around once again. Once again sleep is just too far away. I am so tired...
It's tuesday the second of august, two a.m. in the morning. 
I have already written so much and I don't want to write anymore tonight. I look at Kastaar, my cat, who keeps me company now and then. He has been around more at night since we broke up and it's just what I need. I try to stop my train of thoughts by watching him but it does not work. 
Questions keep forcing themselves in my head and the frustration of not knowing angers me. 
How is he? 
Does he sleep well at night? 
Is he having fun? 
Is he lonely?
Is he relieved? 
Are girls flirting with him?
Is he going with it? 
I take the journal and ask answers from the pages. 
It's thursday, the fourth of august. I know he is leaving with his friends to a festival. I'm leaving tomorrow to the Dranouter festival that we were supposed to go together to. Tybo now goes to Castlefest.
The night was heavy again. I know this will be the hardest weekend yet to come. He will be there with our mutual friends and I'll be here, with my journal and my camera.
I will make up stories watching the flames of the late night bonfires while they will tell stories to each other. I slap myself and demand that I snap out of it. I tell myself that I'll be fine and I pack my bags. I'll be fine.
The evening falls again and I cry for the rest of the night, fighting to push demonic thoughts away and fighting even more to fall asleep.