donderdag 11 augustus 2016

The Dranouter festival

My days have become nights and my nights are now my days. I've become a true night owl.
It's three a.m. when I fall asleep and seven when I wake up. My body wants to stay in bed but after a while I force myself to get up. I feel that my body is starting to follow my heartache. I tell myself once again that I'll be fine, that my brother is going to be there too and that we will have each other. I take my pillow and put a Harry Potter pillowcase over it. Harry Potter makes everything better. I put it with the rest of my stuff and I go downstairs. 
Mom and dad are packing and carrying everything to the car. There's a relaxed atmosphere in the house and I try to leave my tears in the bed and jump on the "nice atmosphere train". I have my breakfast, put on clothes that make me feel beautiful and help them pack. Tybo keeps dancing in my head, blocking all other thoughts and I try to push him away for once. I focus on this moment and keep telling myself that it will be oke. That even though I will be alone, I will be with friends of my parents, and that I'll be accepted by them as one of them. That I'll have my journal and especially my camera. I will get lost in my camera. Yes, lets just do this. 
We arrive at our destination. It's a field that is owned by a farmer. I put up my tent and we join the others. In the evening we decide to go to the festival and the first thing I take is my camera. When we get to the entrance we get split up. Males at one side, females at the other. Our bags get checked and we get checked up like criminals who leave prison. It feels like our freedom is getting slimmer for the illusion of safety. I'm scared that they will take my camera but they let me pass. I smile friendly to the person who is checking me and I enter a ginormous field with stages, food stands, animators, shops, flags, music and a heck load of people. After we found our place my mom takes me to the little shops. Time to get lost. 
It was a little fight, but I got trough the first evening and night. Wannes, my brother, isn't here yet and I worry that he won't come. Loneliness is killing me and the demonic thoughts are taking over my day. I'm getting angry at them, I start to believe them and I lose the courage to fight them. I think of Castlefest, what is happening there, I imagine what Tybo is doing, saying. I'm imagining the fun that they have all together. Tears creep up like annoying little trolls and I get frustrated. My head is full and heavy. I wish Wannes was here with me. 
Everybody at the campsite is getting ready to go to the festival again and the atmosphere is good. I enjoy the jokes and love to watch the children play. My dad is playing the ukelele and I managed to enjoy the moment. We pack our stuff (and I my camera, of course) and we head off to the field. We get checked again and when I walk trough the gate a big, forcing hand is pushing me back. 
"No camera."
My heart drops.
"What? Why?"
"You have to pay, then you get a license, and then your camera is allowed." 
I call for my mom who returns with an asking face. 
"Yesterday I got in..." I try.
"Yes, but we got complaints from the press. You have to pay, then you work for Dranouter and give your photographs to us."
"I'm not leaving my camera here."
"There are lockers."
"I don't trust them." 
For the first time in my life, I go into discussion with someone that is authorized.  
After a lot of words I get in with my camera, but I have to put it away and tomorrow I have to leave it in my tent. I smile friendly again, thanking them for their time and I go to the others. I tell them and I turn around to put my camera away. I don't stop the tears. I'm done. I hide my face and for as far as I know, only mom and dad see it. I am so angry.
The one and only thing I can get lost in gets taken away from me. The most important tool to capture the beauty of everything has to be locked away. It feels like I get pushed into reality once more.
"You're hurt, and you're gonna feel it to the god damn fullest." I let the demon thought be. He won for now. 
After letting myself be depressed for a while (it can be quite comforting at times) I choose to enjoy the rest of the day. I see beautiful people and as I am not allowed to photograph, I watch them intensely, taking a photograph in my mind, remembering what it is that makes them so beautiful. 
I light up when mom tells me that Wannes arrived. We have fun the rest of the day and when he sees that I have a sad face he puts his hands on my mouth and turns it into a smile. I laugh sincerely. 
I feel better. 
I am not tired when the night falls. I have deep and funny conversations with the friends of my parents and I eat yummy vegan food. Wannes makes jokes and cheers me up. It gets a little easier to put the demons in a box with a big lock on it. 
Around midnight my heart gets torn again. I get his message and see the word "bunny". 
I answer and I answer again the day after, but get nothing back. The demons broke the lock and are flying around me again like little bullies. Anger replaces joy again. I go from ups to downs to ups and down again. Right at that moment I decide I want to get drunk. I don't drink alcohol and I hate the taste. But when I find something that I like, I'll take my chances. 
My mouth being bigger than my heart, I don't get drunk. The only thing they have is beer and if I would take those chances, I at least want to enjoy the good taste. I put the idea in the back of my head and store it for later. Now is the time to experience new things, good and bad, it's time to learn and grow. 
It's sunday. The last day of the festival. Today is a good day. I laugh and have fun with my little brother. We sing along to Yevgueni (I'm not even going to get into the memories that are linked to that man) and I drag Wannes to some pretty good folk bands. I'm so happy when he tells me how good he thinks they are. I almost cry of joy when I hear Estbel and Naragonia and I discover Le vent du nord and Imar. When the last night falls we go to the beer tent and we go crazy with the dancing and yelling. Wannes hugs me tight every now and then and once again I am so grateful for him. He takes care of me in Wannes-style. 
My muscles hurt due to a long term health problem but I couldn't care less. I see boys watching me and I couldn't care either. I tell myself that I'm worth more than what he left me for (and I sincerely want to thank Sas to give me that perspective) and it helps for tonight. I know I'll be reading heartbreaking (to me) statusses on facebook when I get home but I prepare myself. I find myself at the "drown or grow point" and I'll choose to grow. I've done it before and I can do it again.