Flowerkisses

Driving trough endless green fields, that would be my endless destination in life.
That is what I am thinking while I pass the few little houses over and over again, trying to find one of those little houses in particular. Screw the gps, I want a little birdy who can guide me.
I've been looking forward to this shoot for a long time.
A beautiful mama contacted me saying her little Lucy turned one this month and she wanted something special to celebrate that. And although I knew this was going to have a commercial vibe, I jumped right in like I sometimes, pretty often, do when I see chocolate.

I park my car and call my mother, who knows the lady at the house we are using for the shoot. While waiting for the beep to change into mama's voice, I look around. Spring has finally found its way to us and flowers seem as thankful as I am. This is a good day.
I follow my mothers orders and go back to where I came from, and there it is. Laura isn't there yet either. I ring the doorbell and Ann opens the door with a smile you could probably see over in Tokio. She lets me in and shows her little paradise. A cosy, wooden little house, perfect for what I want to reach in my photos today. We talk and drink tea when Laura arrives with Arthur, her husband, and little Lucy.

In a wink of an eye I take my camera out and go into story making mode. I talk to the little family and realize how I missed this. Since I have a full time job I got stuck in expectations of bosses, working very hard for little money and the stereotypes of society and it has been killing me the past months. I look at lucy and smile at her innocence. Capturing the beauty of her untouched soul, that will be the goal for today. That, and the love that that little family shined out loud.

mind doodles under the sun

I feel the hay tickling between my fingers while the oh so familiar smell fills my heart with golden memories. The bunnies are playing in the garden. I watch them jump, run and play while I finish cleaning their little house. The weather is good today and it is what I needed. Mom and dad are also working in the garden and it feels like it used to. Spring is coming.

"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"Can we make pancakes tonight? It would finish this day off perfectly."
"Oh, sure!"

Yes, now it is perfect.
I set myself down in the grass. It's still a little wet but the warmth of the sun is making up for it. I watch my bunnies go crazy and while I'm smiling because of it I think of the things that are happening in my life.
My job is going well. I love the children at the daycare centre and I miss them when I'm not at work.
I make things for them and prepare surprises and activities. I love it. I photograph them and post them on the facebook page and it makes me feel full. Because it is what I do. I photograph life and I feel lost when I don't.
But then again, I feel like a marionette. A mainstream part of society. I work for someone else now and my blog, drawing, story making and photographing is falling behind because of it. My dreams are pushed aside so I feel like all the others. "I have no time. Busy busy busy." The typical.

I cuddle Kato, my little crazy fluff ball while my mind wanders further off.

Change is making its way up to me again and I realize how hard it is on me every time.
T is preparing himself to move to his own place (he lives with me and my parents now) and I will join him later.
For me it is as exiting as it is frightening.
Will it change our relationship? Will it get weaker, stronger? Am I overthinking? Probably.

I make the dough while mom prepares the pans. T hugs me from behind and tells me he loves me. I love him too. I am so grateful to be able to love.

Afternoon at the theatre

Model: Sofie Dhaens

Cocooning night

I drop off Tybo at the cinema where he meets his friends.
When I turn on the highway again I notice that now I don't want to be alone after all. Although I know it is really important to set things straight for myself I already miss him.
But I don't want to be surrounded by people tonight, so I go home.

The familiar sound of raindrops accompany the thousands of thoughts seeping through Loreena Mckenneths love songs but tonight they don't give me peace. It's like I can't pause my thoughts and I can't keep up with them so I know the first thing I need to do when I get home is write.

I finally found a permanent job and although I'm happy with that, it's very heavy. I work at the children day care centre where I worked earlier this year. But there are too few staff members for many children and because of a new boss much has to be changed. I can put my head just about around it but I feel that every thing that overcomes me besides work is much to handle.
My photography and my blog have to step aside because of the long days at work and it makes me feel mainstream. Like I am one of the millions of peaces of society like the big guys have created it. I absolutely hate it. I want to love, see, feel and tell! I want to discover and write it all down. I want to catch moments and feel light as the fairy I can be within myself.

The words I had with my love this morning were also much. I know we work it out every time and I know the make up hugs are the best right then and there, but the chaos isn't leaving my mind. He knows that and I am happy he does.

I close the front door and follow the words flying around my head into the living room.
"Time for a little cocooning, dear?" Says my mother. She always knows when I'm not at peace and it's so comforting. I am not alone.
"Yes, lots of it." I answer her with a light smile.
I go upstairs and catch the words "how the hell can I handle this all?" and build on them.
Most of the time I handle things on my own, but other times I drown in chaos and I get stuck. Today is such a day.

I put on my fox pajamas that my mother made for me and crawl into bed. Scaring away the words in my head doesn't help, so I keep hem in, trying to silence them instead. Hoping I fall asleep soon so tomorrow can welcome me with open arms, telling me it will be all just fine, that he is new, as will the next day, and the day after be. I hug my pillow and close my eyes.