I've been trying to find myself this week but I'm only bumping, turning and feeling lost.
And although T (my love) has been there for me the whole time, I still felt lonely, especially this weekend, when we and our friends went to the Celtic Night festival (for those who live in Belgium: it's a cosy little celtic festival with lots of fire, music, dancing and cuddling, I absolutely love it there).
T went ahead and left to go to the festival but I stayed home because I had a chaotic day at work and I needed some time for myself and my thoughts. I would join him the day after.
With heavy eyes I curled up in my bed, longing for still unknown dreams to come and heavenly clear up my mind, the way only dreams do. But my dreams didn't come. Instead my soul felt heavy and the to do list in my head kept knocking on my head, demanding every fraction of my attention. Saying people wouldn't like me if I didn't do this, and I would disappoint if I didn't act like that. I felt the need to write but couldn't bare to get up. At those moments, I miss Wulle. My soul animal, as I call him. He was my bunny, but I had a very special connection with him. He would only be with me and I would be the only one to read him perfectly. People can have that with dogs, but I had it with him. He died a year ago and it still feels as if a little piece of me still is somewhere out there.
So I turned my body to my nightstand where his medallion was, and kissed it tenderly, keeping it close and feeling the fur that I kept inside.
My dreams finally came and I gratefully let my eyelids find their way down, opening the door to my own world out there.
The day after I felt a bit better, but still confused. Why did I feel so lost and lonely? I have everything to be happy and I am thankful, every single day, that I am happy. I am happy, so why?
Me and my parents joined T at the festival and I texted him beforehand saying I didn't feel so well. He ran up to me and closed me deep into his o so familiar arms saying he loved me, like he always does so lovingly, and that he will always be there. I needed the feeling of his chest against my cheek and it helped.
The group that me and T joined were partly friends of mine, but also people I didn't know.
I learned through the years to connect with people and although I would describe myself as quite introvert I found a way to overcome fear of meeting new people. But today I wasn't up for it. I wanted to stay in my cocoon just a little longer. When people didn't make an effort to reach to me either I held onto J, one of my best friends who happens to be my colleague at work (I work in a daycare centre for children, god, I love those little monkeys).
J has the magical power to always make me smile. I love that girl so much and she is a wonderful mama of two boys.
As the day passed I had fun and the dark feeling slowly made room for smiles and enjoyment again. I held onto them tightly and even though they made me feel better I also felt small. I still didn't feel as if I was part of the group and people were sending me nonverbal messages, and they were hurtful. More hurtful then they would say it right to my face. Nothing was ever said, but I felt them sting, I felt them all. There were people who I knew received stings as well, and I wanted to protect them, knowing that I couldn't.
I had it in mind the whole time when we were sitting by the fireplace at the campsite. There was laughter, people were eating and telling tales while I was playing with my medallion, silently wanting to disappear to my tent where I could write in my journal. I didn't sleep very well that night either.
The feeling of wind and the sound of drops on our tent woke me up, introducing the next daylight. T was sleeping next to me and I watched him for a while, silently smiling, glancing at his beautiful face.
I wanted to write in my journal again.
"his words are big, but the heart that he protects for many, is the biggest of them all."
We woke up together and ate breakfast on bed, well, our mat. He made me giggle with things only he can say so well and we started the day before anyone else did. We went to see my parents and took a second breakfast (I love festivals for that). We took it easy and it did me well. I felt better and had more energy.
That day I opened myself up more to the group an I felt accepted. I made new friends and took photographs. I wanted to hug everyone again and even wanted to sing and dance.
Today I started the day off with a chaotic cry. But there was J, who saw me arrive at work, holding up her hands to hug me. The team there is magnificent. They have a little place in my heart.
And now I am sitting here, in my room, behind my laptop, writing to you who is reading this.
It's dark outside and while the old drops from the last rain are drying up on my window, I light my candles and play with my chinchilla's who keep me company while T is out working.
I feel my peace slowly returning after I put on my thick cosy sweater and when I hug my father. Little things. I love little things.
I am waiting for winter and it makes me so happy looking forward to that. Should I get my legwarmers out already?
I feel better now.
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